By Greg Lee
Christians live in a world where thinking differently can be a challenge. We want to please God, yet we often find ourselves making the same mistakes as everyone else. When it comes to dating, it’s easy to create a long list of rules and expectations. But the key is not rules—it’s principles. We need to start with what the Bible says.
Before diving into practical advice about dating, it is essential to consider how Christians should think about marriage and dating. Our thoughts shape our actions, and grounding our thinking in Scripture will help us navigate dating in a much better way. In this article, we will explore three crucial areas: 1. What God is like (especially in Christ) 2. What marriage is 3. How Christians should think about dating in light of God’s design. Part 2 of this series will look about putting these principles into practice.
1. What God Is Like (Especially in Christ)
Understanding God’s character is fundamental for healthy relationships. Three aspects of God’s nature—His sacrificial love, faithfulness, and purity—guide us towards a number of big principles.
a. God Is Sacrificially Loving
God’s love is not self-serving; it is sacrificial. Jesus modeled this perfectly:
“For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Mark 10:45
“My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” John 15:12–13
Big Principle 1: Go out for their sake, not yours. Relationships are primarily about serving the other person. Instead of asking, “Will they be good for me?” ask, “Am I good for someone else?” The goal is not to find the right person but to become the right person. Church is not a dating service— we shouldn’t be using church to find a boyfriend or girlfriend. Church is about growing, and if that helps us become a more godly potential partner, that’s a good thing.
Big Principle 2: Be straightforward and honest, not ambiguous. Christians are called to serve, not boost our own ego. Be clear about your intentions. Never flirt to test someone’s feelings or for personal validation.
Big Principle 3: Serve even in breaking up. Most dating relationships do not end in marriage. A breakup is not failure—it is part of learning. But serve the other person by minimizing pain: don’t waste their time by prolonging it. Don’t be cowardly and manipulate the other person to be the one to do it.
It will help if you have avoided overpromising while dating and have avoided inappropriate intimacy.
b. God Is Faithful
God is faithful to His promises, as seen throughout Scripture:
“I have indeed seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned about their suffering. So I have come down to rescue them from the hand of the Egyptians and to bring them up out of that land into a good and spacious land, a land flowing with milk and honey—the home of the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites.” Exodus 3:7–9
The lifelong nature of marriage reflects God’s faithfulness.
Big Principle 4: Date in a way that reflects God’s faithfulness. When dating, we should mirror God’s faithfulness by keeping our commitments and dating only one person at a time. Casual dating has nothing in common with God’s faithfulness. It teaches us to treat relationships like a game where we avoid commitment and jump from relationship to another. All this increases the chance of people being hurt. Take it slowly, and treat relationships seriously as a preparation for potential lifelong marriage.
c. God Is Pure and Perfect
God calls His people to purity:
“But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: ‘Be holy, because I am holy.’” 1 Peter 1:15–16
“Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.” 1 Corinthians 6:18
“And now, dear lady, I am not writing you a new command but one we have had from the beginning. I ask that we love one another. And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands.” 2 John 1:5–6
Big Principle 5: Treat them as your brother or sister, not your spouse. Maintain absolute purity in relationships.
“Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.” 1 Timothy 5:1–2
The danger is not singleness but sin. Avoid behaviors that compromise spiritual or sexual integrity. Couples tend to take breaking up off the table and instead try to figure out how to manage sin. Why not break up if sin is a problem? Do everything it takes to be pure.
2. What Marriage Is
Understanding marriage clarifies the purpose of dating. Marriage is designed by God as:
a. Between a man and a woman
“Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, ‘Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?’ ‘Haven’t you read,’ he replied, ‘that at the beginning the Creator “made them male and female,” and said, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh”? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.’” Matthew 19:3–6
Jesus points us back to Genesis 1 and 2. God created humanity in his image: male and female. Eve is created as Adam’s counterpart.
b. Between individuals who are not closely related
In Genesis 2 we see that a man is to leave his own family to marry (Gen 2:24). The principle is also in Leviticus:
“No one is to approach any close relative to have sexual relations. I am the LORD. Do not dishonor your father by having sexual relations with your mother… Do not have sexual relations with your sister, either your father’s daughter or your mother’s daughter, whether she was born in the same home or elsewhere…” Leviticus 18:6–16
c. Joined together by God
Marriage is not merely a human arrangement but a divine union.
“So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” Matthew 19:6
d. For life,
Divorce is a complex topic, but the clear expectation of marriage in the Bible is that it is for life.
e. Public
Marriage is a public thing so everyone knows the new relationship and family that now exists. We see that in Jacob’s marriage (not that this was all smooth sailing)
“So Laban brought together all the people of the place and gave a feast. 23 But when evening came, he took his daughter Leah and brought her to Jacob, and Jacob made love to her. 24 And Laban gave his servant Zilpah to his daughter as her attendant.” Genesis 29:22–24
For this reason it is wrong to just move in together and call it marriage. Eloping is also a bad idea.
d. Covenantal
In marriage you make promises and enter a covenant with another person.
“You ask, ‘Why?’ It is because the LORD is the witness between you and the wife of your youth. You have been unfaithful to her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.” Malachi 2:14
e. Reflecting God in the Trinity
God is relational in Trinity.
“Then God said, ‘Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness…’ So God created mankind in his own image, male and female he created them.” Genesis 1:26–27
Marriage likewise is about unity and relationship.
f. Reflecting Christ and the Church
“Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.” Ephesians 5:22–28
The final marriage is really Christ and his church (Rev 19:9; 21:2, 2 Cor 11:2
Marriage should reflect Christ and the church. We ought to look for someone we can present to Christ as holy, and likewise someone who cares enough for you to present you holy to him.
Big Principle 6: Only date and marry a Christian.
“A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.” 1 Cor 7:39
Don’t go out with a non-Christian. In fact, don’t go out with an immature Christian. Don’t think that he (it’s usually a he) will change after you have started going out. The relationship always moves towards the youngest Christian’s habits.
Choose a person who is easy to follow and is to lead and present to Jesus.
Big Principle 7: Godliness matters more than physical attraction. Beauty and attraction is a gift from God so it is good to find the other person attractive, but don’t make beauty your number one priority. Inner beauty is more important and long-lasting. Attraction is flexible and elastic and there is a good chance your attraction will grow during marriage.
3. So What Is Dating?
The Bible does not explicitly describe “going out” as modern culture does. Historically, there was betrothal or engagement—a formal arrangement prior to marriage (see the example of Joseph and Mary in Matthew 1:18-25). Dating, as we know it, is largely cultural.
Dating is a period for two single people to get to know each other, discern whether marriage would be good idea, and grow in godliness, while maintaining the freedom to end the dating relationship if needed.
The Bible’s only two real categories are married / single. If you’re dating, really you’re still single. This is different to how we think. We tend to see dating as like “practice marriage”. So we spend loads of time together, doing marriage-type things and making each other fall in love. This is very unwise and can easily lead to sexual immorality.
Here is my definition of dating:
Dating is two single people who are not joined by God and do not yet reflect the Trinity because there is no lifelong commitment, being close friends, trying to figure out if they should marry, with the option of ending the dating relationship.
Big Principle 8: The goal of dating is to marry well or end well. Do not begin a relationship without considering marriage as a realistic goal. Dating is not for entertainment or emotional experimentation—it is about serving the other person, helping them grow and working out where this is heading.
You don’t need to be 100% ready to marry RIGHT NOW, but it needs to be a realistic option in the not too distant future.
Conclusion
Thinking about dating from a biblical perspective requires aligning our hearts and minds with God’s character and His design for marriage. By understanding God’s sacrificial love, faithfulness, and purity, and by recognizing the purpose and nature of marriage, Christians can approach dating wisely. Our goal is not simply to find love, but to reflect Christ in our relationships and prepare ourselves—and others—for the lifelong covenant of marriage.
Note: This article was adapted from a seminar with the help of AI
Photo by Cezar Sampaio on Unsplash
