Greg Lee
Understanding how Christians should think about dating lays the foundation, but action is where wisdom meets practice. Applying biblical principles in real-life relationships is essential to honor God and protect both yourself and the person you are dating.
Dating can be understood in four phases: choosing, starting, going out, and being engaged. What follows comes from the principles in Part One of this series, and my own experience of pastoring over the past 25 years.
1. Choosing
The first step in dating is choosing wisely. Choosing the right person is not about chemistry or convenience—it is about godliness, character, and spiritual alignment.
· Look for a servant-hearted person. Observe how someone treats others, not just how they treat you. Service demonstrates love and humility.
· Look for a person committed to sexual purity. They should be committed to godliness. They are godly online, probably making use of accountability tools if necessary.
· Observe in community. The best way to know someone is to watch them interact in groups, not just in private dates where we are on our best behaviour.
A brief comment: Why not place couples in the same Growth Group? Because breakups happen, and we do not want relational issues to affect the larger church community. Being in different groups also helps with personal spiritual growth and developing accountability and support networks.
2. Starting
Once you have got a person in mind, the next step is starting the relationship with clarity.
· Be clear about intentions. Both parties should understand why they are entering the relationship.
· Initiate wisely. This will often be the responsibility of the guy. It’s good for him to take the risk. While it is not wrong for a woman to ask a man out, long term the pattern of the relationship should reflect biblical principles.
3. Going Out
Dating, or “going out,” is distinct from marriage and should reflect that reality.
a. Remember you are not married
Most going out relationships end in breakups rather than marriage. You don’t want to ruin a good friendship by your dating conduct. It can be helpful to think that you are dating someone else’s future spouse, so therefore act with respect, purity, and integrity.
b. Build the relationship slowly
The strongest foundation for marriage is friendship. Avoid romantic gestures or intimacy that promise more than the relationship can deliver. If we make someone fall desperately in love with us that makes the break up much harder.
c. Avoid exclusivity too soon
· Don’t spend all your spare time together.
· Avoid sitting together at church consistently. Serve the broader community.
· Be very careful about public displays of affection, that can be very discouraging to others at church who would like to be engaged but can’t.
d. Set boundaries around Bible study and prayer
Bible reading and prayer is good but it can lead to accidental powerful emotional and physical intimacy. Keep reading and prayer to public places and err on the formal side.
e. Treat each other like brothers and sisters
Absolute purity is essential. Set the boundary not at what you do but what leads to arousal. Avoid being alone in rooms or houses, prioritize walking, talking, and group activities, and be conscious of how non-Christians perceive the relationship. They will easily assume more than you think.
f. Know where you stand
Regularly assess your relationship’s direction:
- Why aren’t we married yet?
- What issues need resolution?
- What are our strategies and time frames?
If the relationship stagnates, make a decision to either get engaged or break up. Ambiguity leads to confusion, temptation, and unnecessary heartache.
4. Being Engaged
Engagement is a transitional period where dating evolves toward lifelong commitment.
· Engagement is good but can amplify sexual temptation. Marriage is a good strategy for sexual temptation (see 1 Cor 7:2) but engagement is a tempting time. You are more committed, more connected and therefore more tempted. Recommit to purity, the blessing of waiting, and take extra care.
· Keep the engagement period short. A smaller, shorter wedding is better than prolonging temptation and uncertainty.
· Practical considerations. Graduation, employment, or finances should not prevent marriage. Remember Matthew 6:25-34 and God’s provision.
· Use the wedding for Christ. Let the ceremony glorify Christ more than you. Don’t be caught up in worldly expectations, including how much money you spend. If you think your parents will want too big a say then take the financial hit to preserve your control. Make sure the gospel is preached at the wedding.
Finally, consider staying single for the Gospel if marriage is not immediately possible. Singleness is good, probably better, according to 1 Corinthians 7.
Conclusion
Acting on biblical principles in dating requires deliberate choices at every stage. From choosing the right person to navigating engagement, Christians are called to reflect God’s character—His sacrificial love, faithfulness, and purity—in their relationships.
Dating is not about personal gratification or experimentation. It is about preparation for marriage, serving others, growing in godliness, and honoring God. By following these guidelines, young adults can date wisely, love responsibly, and prepare for marriages that glorify Christ.
Note: This article was adapted from a seminar with the help of AI
Photo by Cezar Sampaio on Unsplash